Preparing For Tanzania
In my mind, I am going to write an insightful post about what preparing for a mission trip has been like for me. Every time I want to write, I am blocked by what to say. I fight with the expectations that I need to write well for my partners on this trip. I sure hope it will be easier to write when I'm over there, but the truth might be that it will be harder because the devil won't want me to share with you all what God is doing over there. Regardless, I need to let go of my perfectionism and purpose to be vulnerable and messy. In that spirit, I will share what I finally came up with when I sat down to write. It's not elegant or what I think I want to say, but it's what flowed out of me in the moment. Here we go.
Stressed-
Overwhelmed-
My soul is overwhelmed to the point of sorrow.
Why my soul are you downcast;
Why are you so disturbed within me?
The fear has long since subsided
Since I surrendered it at the foot of the cross
Tanzania does not scare me
The unknown is, for once, an adventure.
However,
The mental capacity needed to balance
All the thoughts and tasks and preparation
Is beyond me.
I thought Christmas was the most stressful part of the school year.
Oh, my first-year naivety!
May is by far the most challenging month.
I set my schedule
And it immediately is changed
I don't know how to fit in all the events
All the academics
All the finals
All the celebrations
All the field trips
All the parties
All the school culture norms that I don't yet know.
My brain did such a good job
At first
At compartmentalizing school, my niece, my family, my husband, my church, support raising, medical bills, my classes for credit, and travel preparation.
Now my brain has turned into slush and all the deadlines are catching up.
Re-enroll for health
Pay for the credits
Get these vaccines
Prep these lessons
Write those papers
Mail those letters
Buy more stamps!
Plan dinner
Sweep
Mop
Wash the dishes
Read to her
Have patience!
Attend this meeting
Read this book...
Oh, Lord!
You alone are good.
You have been with me every moment.
You are in charge of it all.
You have planned it all.
You have worked it out for your good.
You know what's best for me.
You are in complete control.
You faithfully meet me in the quiet every morning.
You generously give me energy after late nights.
You comfort me and whisper to me and inspire me.
Thank you, Lord, for using me as your vessel
For the little person living in my home
For the twelve little people in my classroom
For the many people I am about to meet
Keep me sane, Lord
Or let me go insane for You alone.
You are good.
You are gracious.
Thank you for the work you are doing in me and the preparation you are doing in my heart.
Thank you for the joy and peace in my soul even amidst the sometimes sorrow.
You will produce perseverance in me.
You alone.
Amen.