Joy In The Suffering
How much could you endure in one week before the frustration and confusion bring sobs from your lungs? How many times in one week would you have to remind yourself that there is joy in the suffering and peace in trials? I have had to throw myself at the feet of Jesus and beg for strength so much in one week – now turning into two weeks. I have lived in a beautiful place of constant dependence on my God for peace and comfort. I remind myself of truths hourly – I am blessed to be deemed worthy enough to go through trials and testing. I know that the devil is attacking because I am walking with my Lord. And I have been equipped for this battle with scripture that makes me cling tighter to my good God.
It started on Tuesday, June 16th, the day before we were taking a family trip down to visit my husband's grandpa in Wyoming. My husband and his little brother were driving south of town and within one mile of their destination when it looked like the road ended before them. At 40 mph, Forrest tried to slow the car to make a quick turn to stay on the road, but the car rolled. The back window shattered, the seatbelt didn’t lock, and my husband and his teenage brother bounced around in the rolling car. Once the breath returned to their airways, they had to crawl out of the now-open rear window. They were each in one piece, even though sore, bruised, and scared.
I got home from work and went upstairs to charge my phone which was at 10% when my husband called. My brain was unable to process the words I heard: “I rolled the Charger. We’re okay, but the car is totaled.” All I heard was the increasing shake in my husband’s voice with every word he said. The panic began setting in as I tried to ask where he was. He told me that it was okay and that his mom was already on her way. But his voice broke and he started to cry.
“It’s okay, baby. I’m on my way right now.” He said okay and hung up and I bolted out the door with my dying phone, not knowing where I was supposedly heading. I called my mother-in-law in the car and asked for an address or anything. She told me just to head out to the farm. I didn’t learn until later that it was quite a ways out of town. After I hung up as I drove, the fear started settling into my bones. The devil started whispering to me that my husband almost died. If you know me, you know that I tend to randomly think depressing thoughts about losing loved ones and crying for a spell for really no reason. I can’t tell you the number of times I have worked myself up and lost sleep over something completely out of my control and irrelevant. But at this moment when those thoughts started coming into my head, I heard God say clearly in my heart, “But he didn’t die. You didn’t lose him. He’s okay. And I am in control. I’ve got this. Give your fears to me.” I felt undeniable, unexplainable peace as I prayed as I drove.
As the drama unfolded and stole our day away, everyone involved was impacted in different ways and learned something different from God. For me, I found myself pacing out at the farm, feeling powerless over the situation. I walked and walked, singing, talking to God, and repeating Philippians 4:6-7 to myself over and over. Throughout everything, I continued to truly feel that peace that transcends all understanding like never before. I have spent a lifetime living with anxiety and depression from medication to therapy to sticking my head in a sink and begging God to deliver me. And while there has been a lifetime of ups and downs throughout my story, never before have I felt so much peace.
Here’s the key: I truly trusted that God was in control. And I had spent weeks of quiet times with the Lord becoming aligned in His Word to get to that point. I couldn’t be with Forrest even though I knew he wanted me there. I didn’t even know where he was. But I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God was there. He was there in that situation and He was in control. He was doing more for my husband than I could ever do if I was there. I had so much peace being powerless. I knew God would bring my husband back to me. He had spared him and my brother-in-law and He would be faithful to bring them the rest of the way back. And even if He chose not to, He is still good and still in control. I had that much trust in my God.
Once my family finally did bring Forrest back, I was able to be strong for him and pray with him. There was trauma from the situation that occurred after the car accident that I was able just to pray and pray more with him about. And even though my heart beat fast and my stomach felt sick, I felt safe in God’s hands and at peace in His plans for us.
The testing didn’t stop there. We were supposed to being our family travels, but we were all attacked and there was vehicle trouble that demolished our plans over and over again the next day. We didn’t end up starting our traveling until after 8 pm. My in-laws, who originally were going to caravan with us, were set to meet us at our stop at 5 am. They didn’t actually leave town until 5 am and drove through the whole night. We got to our stop at 2 am by the grace of God and continued the next day to our destination. Thankfully, without any more vehicle trouble. But the trip itself provided trials of its own. In addition to the drama, I got the second phone call from my husband about an accident at the gun range. My poor husband ended up with a chipped tooth and a swollen, bruised nose. But throughout the whole trip, we praised God, thanked Him, talked to Him about our hurts, and depended on Him for comfort.
At home, Tuesday the 23rd, I received the third call from Forrest. I was driving home from work and suspected nothing as I answered the phone with a, “Hey babe.” When I heard my mother-in-law’s voice on his phone, my heart stopped and I could have swerved off the road. My knuckles went white on the wheel and my heart began racing after the initial jump. “There was an accident at the farm. We are at the ER with Forrest.”
The details came in slowly, piece by piece from that phone call to the next to the next as I drove to the ER and sat in the waiting room. Forrest got his glove caught in the new log splitter and when he let go of the lever, the blade didn’t stop and his thumb was caught. It was unlikely that he would keep anything above the knuckle on his dominant hand. No, it was actually his left hand. He might be able to keep the thumb. He won’t have the nail for sure. He is stitched up and on this medication rather than this one since you said he has a nasty reaction to this one. He’ll be able to come home but he needs to return Thursday and see this doctor and he might be able to have surgery that day, if not then for sure on Friday. Can you find a sub for work Thursday? Yes, I can. We see the doctor. They can do surgery, but not until later. He hasn’t eaten, right? Well, now he’ll have to wait until later. Oh, they can fix the nail bed. They will put a pin in it. Can you actually come three hours before the surgery for COVID screening? Oh, and our insurance doesn’t kick in until the 12th and it’s very unlikely that they would backdate it for you….
His surgery went well. His thumb is bandaged and he is unable to do many things, even getting dressed is a struggle. He is still in pain. But you know what? God. Is. Good. He has provided. We have had family and friends step up in so many ways. I share this with you all, not because I think I have had the worst week. But because the reality is that this is a season of trials, and I want our story to be a testimony to how good God is. He is always in control and He never changes! He is good when life is good, and He is good when life is hard. As more things piled on, it got harder to choose to have joy rather than dwell in depressive feelings. But I am growing in perseverance from the testing of my faith (James 1:3). And perseverance leads to character, and from character, hope (Romans 5:4).
Pure joy. The trials are far from finished. This current saga has yet to wrap up. But Jesus has given me life by dying on the cross for my sins so I could have a relationship with the Father. I trust that God will be faithful to provide for us as He always has. And I will consider it pure joy that I am going through trials for the glory of my Lord.