Fear Cannot Stop Me

A couple of months ago, My sister-in-law and I discussed taking a trip overseas this coming summer. At first, we decided to be tourists and not go on a mission trip. However, I couldn't help but search for missions in the area and found one that seemed perfect for me considering my experience and future career path. Encouraged by Forrest, I sent an inquiry to the organization hosting the mission, an organization I had never heard of before. The coordinator quickly responded with specific information, and we had a back-and-forth correspondence where she answered my many questions. Yet, when I ran out of questions and was left with only one, "Should I go, Lord?" I stopped responding. The fear of the unknown and my feelings of inadequacy mixed with no clear answer from God left me paralyzed, waiting for His guidance. Daily, I prayed for direction, but silence from the Lord persisted.

Some close friends encouraged me to apply, but I held back, wanting to feel a clear calling before wholeheartedly pursuing the mission. Unbeknownst to me, I was not patiently waiting; instead, I was secretly planning. I planned the two emails I would send to the coordinator, depending on whether I would apply or not. I planned how my summer would look with and without the mission, so I wouldn't be consumed by the fear of the unknown. The truth was, I was not waiting on God; I was impatient. The realization finally surfaced when God revealed it to me today. Even though I calmly asked, "Please give me guidance with my summer, Lord," He heard my heart scream, "Tell me what to do!" We never outgrow being a child, do we? We are called children of God, and while it's a blessing and a promise, I think we will always succumb to our human nature and act childishly towards our Creator.

Today, without knowing how it came to be, I felt okay emailing the coordinator back and starting the application process. I transparently told her, "I still don't know if this is what God wants me to do." Surprisingly, I didn't feel the pit in my stomach at the thought of applying. Instead, I felt calm and safe. It's a good feeling, especially when the mission seems daunting due to being associated with a new organization, in a foreign country, without anyone I know, and labeled as an "internship." But here's the reminder I needed: FEAR CANNOT STOP ME!

Immediately after emailing the coordinator, I opened my Awana lesson to prepare for next week, and it was on Acts 13, where Paul and Barnabas preach the gospel and face rejection. As I read, "Being a missionary can be a risky endeavor filled with consequences for those who share the gospel, as well as for those who believe and those who reject it," I was taken aback. It wasn't new information, but I don't believe in coincidences. Usually, I hear from the Lord through direct whispers to my heart or through Scripture, not in non-biblical writing. But I can't deny that after starting an application for a missionary internship, I read about being a missionary in the Bible. "The message of the gospel is powerful, polarizing, life-giving, and dangerous." Maybe this isn't God telling me to do the mission, but it's definitely Him telling me not to be fearful.

My purpose is to share the gospel. I love the tremor of having been used by the Holy Spirit to tell someone about Christ. James urges us to consider it pure joy when we face trials for the sake of Christ. Of course, suffering is difficult, but if it means growing closer to God, becoming more like Christ, and maturing spiritually, I'd wholeheartedly sign up for it. I love God, and I want to tell others about Him and be used by Him. Yes, I'm anxiety-ridden and held back by fear, but God KNOWS everything! He is CAPABLE of doing everything. If He has enabled people to communicate in languages they didn't know before, why couldn't He do it again with me? The only thing stopping me is a lack of faith.

I'm not sure if I'll be doing this mission, but I know I'm wholeheartedly diving in. Because even if I don't go, God is already teaching and growing me so much through this process. I am grateful for the opportunity to be used by Him to tell others about Him. I'll ask you the questions from my Awana book: What mission do you think God has planned for you? What's keeping you from taking the next step in fulfilling that mission He has in mind for you?

In Christ,

Caytee